Lyrics Biology I

Today we'll be dissecting Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats."

(with thanks to friend KM, who has been doing this way better for ages and never fails to make me laugh)

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach-blond tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...

The only women I ever saw shoot whiskey were career alcoholics and possibly Gretchen Wilson. Not everyone can be a Redneck Girl.


Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...

Classic bar move. He's a slimeball.

And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,

This bothers me. "Pretty little" 4WD? Is it a Subaru? Nah, can't be... slimeballs can't afford those. And define "little" please. I have only seen ONE little 4x4 and I wouldn't have called it pretty. This guy's driving a pepto-pink 1988 Suzuki Samurai, I just know it. And how would one soup it up and have it still be "pretty?" Did he put a paisley hood scoop on it? Also, I don't recall any of the younger generation saying "souped up." They say boss, pimped, tricked, etc. Who wrote this song anyway? The Beach Boys?

carved my name into his leather seats...

OK, maybe it IS a Subaru. But it's his ex-wife's, not his.

I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Your arms must hurt like hell from the recoil when that bat bounced. Also, you slashed *one* hole? Is there some new car function I'm unaware of, wherein you poke a hole in one tire and all 4 go flat?

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Right now, she's probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karaoke..

Wait, aren't Shania songs white-trash already? (Don't flame me.)

Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"
and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,

That's the general idea behind buying a woman in a bar tons of fruity little drinks.


Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom Polo...

I've seen bathroom cologne dispensers. If they're 3 bucks a pop, I can't afford whatever bar you're at.
And, tip to the slimeball... if she's that drunk, it doesn't matter what you smell like. Essence of Polo Wet-Nap is a waste of money, when for generations, Eau de Cigarette Smoke, Beer, and Nachos has worked just fine. Buy her another drink with the three bucks.

And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat,
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Everyone was in the bar watching the Darts Finals, or else someone would surely have noticed all this going on. How long did it take you to carve your name? "C-A-R-R-I-E U-N-D..." oh to hell with it. "C-U"

I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...

Oh, you know it won't be on me!

Yeah, you saved her from having to ride in that fugly car. But you might also have made a little trouble for her... cause he'll be cheating on her next. He definitely won't cheat on YOU again. It's gonna take six months to get that 4x4 off the cinder blocks and on the road again, with a fresh coat of pink spraypaint. He'll remember you every time the cut-up leather pokes him in the butt through his genuine imitation sheepskin seatcovers.

Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Yeah, he will definitely think before he does it again. He'll think to hide his vehicle and catch a ride to the bar instead.
But then, the next woman will just burn down the entire trailer park instead of limiting her vengeance to his car.

Note: I happen to really like this song. But it begged to be scrutinized.