WTHell-Mart

Today, I had to make a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up a prescription. I also did a bit of shopping in the grocery section. Our hometown markets seem to love huge price markups, but they complain about the big box stores putting them out of business... well... there is no reason local apples should cost 2 bucks a pound at one store and a buck-twenty-nine at another. LOCAL. Not imported from Guatemala or wherever. Not like a fuel-consuming cargo ship or airplane was involved. I buy local whenever possible, often direct from the farmers, but I'm not paying extortion prices at certain stores. Even so, I don't often shop at Wal-Mart and usually drive farther to a smaller store, but today was a matter of convenience and time-crunch.

Anyway, Wal-Mart. That giant melting-pot of humanity, that sociology lesson, that place to go when you really need an ego boost or affirmation that your life just ain't so bad after all. As soon as I walked in, I was met with the shrieking of a small child; loud, shrill, and nonstop. The kid wailed for a good ten minutes straight. It's a Wal-Mart fact that there will be at least one screaming kid present at any time, day or night, and that kid will have one of those voices that carries throughout the entire store. Tip: earplugs are on the aisle next to the pharmacy pick-up counter.

Next to the 17 kinds of earplugs will be the OcuSoft Eyelid Wipes. These are not mascara removers or cucumber pads; this is a product touted specifically and solely for wiping your itchy eyelids. Nothing else. Below that will be a variety of earwax removal products, some of them with scary names like Earrigate 9000 and Scrape N' Scoop. I did not realize wax removal technology had advanced so far. (For the record, one product actually said, on the box, to "use the spoon end to scoop out ear wax and ear debris." Ewwwwww.) Then, of course, are fifty million different kinds of saline solution for contact-lens wearers. It's salt water, people, not rocket science. I would not pay fifteen dollars for a bottle of saline when right next to it is the exact same thing for three.

Oh... the pharmacy line was insanely long, which is why I was noticing the above products. People in line were sending Death Glares of Doom to anyone who even paused nearby, indicating that if someone dared to cut in line, they'd need to pay a visit to the First Aid aisle after being steamrollered by half a dozen buggies. (I'm from the South, they're buggies, NOT carts, the end.) The woman behind the counter said there was no good time to visit the pharmacy, as they'd been slammed for the past two weeks straight. Flu season and all. Great... I really want to be standing in close proximity to flu-stricken folks who haven't gotten their meds yet.

I saw yet another person hit a post outside. (Also a rule of Wal-Mart. If you watch long enough, someone will hit something.) He looked like a young Kevin Bacon, less 100 IQ points, and came speedwalking from the parking lot like Wal-Mart had a two-for-one sale on Skoal that ended in the next two minutes. He bumped into one of the six-foot-tall yellow HIGHLY VISIBLE concrete posts near the door, bounced off, tried to keep walking like it hadn't happened, and proceeded to slam into the very next post. Human Pinball right there. Wish I had a video camera sometimes.

Another rule of Wal-Mart is that, apparently, some people cannot see the giant directional arrows painted on the ground and will invariably drive their Ford Megalith XLT the wrong way down a parking lane. And it will usually be me facing them, going the RIGHT way, with no place to move. About half the time, that other person is pulling out of a prime parking space that I have been sitting and waiting for, but since they pull out the wrong way, some twit in a Hyundai will zoom in from the other side and steal it. Meanwhile I'm holding my breath and hoping the SUV doesn't take my side mirror off as he creeps by. Naturally, he's giving ME dirty looks as if I'm to blame for getting in HIS way.

I noticed, while in the store, that the 80s are definitely coming back around. There was a girl with a side ponytail, leggings, legwarmers, a track jacket, and high heels walking around. She was also wearing blue eyeshadow, if further proof is needed. I also saw a man who looked like Drew Carey wearing obscenely tight bleached jeans. Speaking of, does anyone know if Wal-Mart sells eye bleach? I'm guessing it's near the Snorp anti-snore aid and the ButtFlush Maxx Xtreme Enemas. (Snorp = actual product. BFMXE = probably, but I'm not going to attempt confirmation.)

Mini Reese's cups rock. That is all.