A Slice of Southern Life

This is a conversation from earlier today. Imagine the one in blue font speaking like a Southern grandma.

e2000: Short story....wanna hear?
cj: sure
e2000: Last week I heard a noise in the garage...scuffling. Opened the door and shined light....BIG ole possum....I chased him back out the hole he came in. I went back inside and stood by the door, waiting to see if he came back. THEN I hear "knock, knock, knock"....
e2000: possums DON'T knock.
Heart Failure Max..... It was YOU coming on line on the computer
cj: *laughing*
e2000: Something is gonna get me yet....
cj: *falls off chair*
e2000: Then you cuss while heart is slowing down.
e2000: Possum hasn't come back either.
cj: Did you cover the hole?
e2000: Scared the shiznit out of him
cj: heh heh
e2000: Also had big rat traps in the garage....they kept tripping....no rats...MMM? watched to see what was setting them off, eating bait, and not getting caught. BIG roaches.
e2000: So I set out roach bait, and the rats ate it.
cj: *eyeroll*
e2000: I need some tiny roach traps
cj: Roach motel?
e2000: No, they moved in and invited the possum
e2000: Now about that snake in the attic....
cj: Is he back?
e2000: I hope not....he just left his skin and moved out.
cj: Didn't want to eat poisoned rats
e2000: or big roaches or shiznitty possums
cj: heehee
cj: smart snake!
e2000: I have had TOO MUCH COFFEE
cj: NO.............. I haven't had any
e2000: up at o dark 30
e2000: Now I don't want to go back to bed, so I will sleep good tonite.
e2000: unless the possum comes back...