Anyway, one of the three ways she posted to enter the contest (which I am doing for fun, even though the prize is an Amazon gift card, and I JUST last night used mine to buy my husband a Wii game even though I dropped a buttload of money on the Wii itself and was hoping to use the gift card to buy- get this- books, but hey I'm generous) is to answer her interview questions. So, vodka martini in hand, here goes...
1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take?
I mentioned Easy Cheese in a recent post. I've never bought a can of the stuff, ever. I ate it once on a cracker at someone's party, but there were also barbecued Spam hors d'oeuvres, so I'm thinking it was someone's extremely low-budget wedding reception. Which, of course, are always fun. Food of the Devil? No, just one of his minions who invented the term "Processed American Cheese Food."
2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS.
Change the channel? I have no idea who they are, but I don't watch TV too often, and I stopped reading Hollywood blogs a couple years ago when I realized Britney Spears was the punch line of WAY too many of my jokes. Sure, she's an easy target, but why give her any more publicity? I'm hoping she'll go away. And take the Gosselins with her, to appease Aunt Becky.
3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush?
Patrick Stewart. Hmm, no, a lot of people love him. Brent Spiner, AKA Data from the same show... in full android costume... saying "Of course, I AM fully functional." Oh, and Milla Jovovich in The 5th Element. I'd totally hit that. Or all 3 at once.
4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be?
I would be a stormchaser! My dream is to become financially independent, quit work, and go back to school. I'd take meteorology and auto body shop. No, really. My stormchasing vehicle would have some wicked ghost flames on a flip-flop paint job. (My other dream was to have a book endorsed by Oprah, but she killed that one.)
5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you?
I think it's true to an extent, but only for those who always wanted to not only keep up with the Joneses, but run over them in their overpriced SUVs while yapping on their iPhones and sporting designer stiletto heels and perfectly-coiffed hair. For me, the best revenge would be having enough money to bribe everyone at work to quit on the same day in the middle of our busiest season. Take that, asshole owner who took our breaks and overtime pay away!
6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet?
Oh dear. Some of my family read this. There are things I'd admit on someone else's internet, under a pseudonym, with a proxy IP address that couldn't easily be traced back to me...
OK, there's one. I got into a fight with a girl at a bowling alley once, and was wearing a zip-front denim skirt (hey, it was the 80s). Naturally we had an audience because people just gravitate to catfights. When I kicked her, the skirt unzipped completely, exposing my red and green Christmas underwear. It was June. I was called the Ho-Ho Ho until someone else did something stupid and everyone forgot about me.
I also once set my butt on fire in front of a group of older guys I was hoping to impress. Dancing too close to a bonfire + holes in jeans + those ripped strings hanging down = an entirely different meaning to "hey, she's got a hot ass!"
7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found?
Only if I'd ever shown you photos of myself. I admit that photo editing programs are my friends, and I am very selective about which ones get seen by people I've never met. Otherwise, it's Just Me As Always. You'd find a short, vivacious (read: loud) redhead who would fix you a drink, cook supper, and apologize for the current state of the house. Then we'd find a bunch of stuff to bitch about, praise what was praiseworthy, and make tasteless jokes and puns. The husband would wander in from time to time, give us the hairy eyebrow, then disappear back into the Man Room shaking his head.
8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?
Good question. From a personal standpoint, I'd love to be able to draw and paint extremely well. From a this-will-make-me-money standpoint, either singing, or being 100% motivated to finish one of the half-dozen books I've started and get them published. Okay, motivation would be the one talent I'd like either way. Also I want to know how the hell to use an eyelash curler without personal injury.
9) There’s not always room for Jello. Is there?
Ew. Only one person I know makes Jello that I will go out of my way to eat, and that's a friend's mother. She makes this layered thing every Christmas with four colors of Jello, and one of them is coconut or marshmallow or something, and to me it's not Jello but Manna From Heaven. I rank it up there with pudding pies and Godiva, but not quite as high as cake.
10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures?
Cake frosting.
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