A Case of Taco Belly

I wrote this a few weeks ago, right after the passing of Taco Bell founder Glen Bell. I meant to post it here, but had the forum where it was being discussed open and posted it there instead and just forgot to copy it over. Anyway...

I may be on the other side of the fence, but I love Taco Bell. I've been eating there regularly (i.e. once or twice a month at minimum) for... umm... almost 30 years. Do I get a medal for that? "The Cast-Iron Stomach Award" maybe?
At one point, when I was homeless and near-broke, their cheap food was all I ate for weeks on end.

Some memories from a diehard Taco Bell lover:

Taco Lights, that were discontinued because that awesome flaky shell shattered in a zillion pieces before the prepper finished making one.

3 generations of cinnamon crispas (AKA churros and cinnamon twists)

Chilito, now known as the chili-cheese burrito, which is unfortunately only at select locations, none of them within 100 miles of me.

My former local Taco Bell used to be open 24/7 and had a breakfast menu. I have fond memories of the steak breakfast burritos.

I almost choked to death on a Mexican Pizza once, when a piece of the shell lodged in my throat. I Heimliched myself on the table corner, but undeterred, I still went back. It was 10 years before I ate another pizza though.

I'm not obese; in fact, I was skinnier when I was eating there weekly (or more often) than I am now. (diuretic joke goes here)

Once I inadvertently caused the front-counter registers to lock up; the manager had no way to fix it, and the closest one who could was unavailable until the next morning. They had to run all orders through the drive-thru register until then. (Note to any Taco Bell employees: if someone says they want one of everything to go, they're obviously being a smarta$$. Don't try to out-smarta$$ them by ringing it up.)

After the closest TB to me burned down, I would drive 45 miles to another one to get my fix once a month. Note: Taco Bell food does not reheat well at all.

I don't care what they say... guacamole does not come from a squeeze tube. I love guac, but I'm certain that stuff they have has never been in any proximity to an avocado.

After extensive testing by rats in an independent franchise in Manhattan, it has been determined that Taco Bell does not cause cancer. It does, however, cause store closings, YouTube hits, and a whole bunch of hungry rats plotting to take over the Chick-Fil-A across the street.

Hybrid-corn taco shells are not the worst thing you could be eating.

D'ya think Mr. Bell's coffin had to have the blankets folded burrito-style so nothing would fall out? And were the good bits all squished on one end because the undertaker was new on the job?